Previously: Bless The Child:

Okay, this made a whole lot of sense. Jimmy Smits left the highly successful ABC Network TV show N.Y.P.D. Blue because he was concerned about being typecast, and wanted to take on some cinematic roles that would stretch his abilities. So, the first really major silver screen role he takes on is in this weeks film, Bless The Child. Smits stretches his abilities by taking on the role of an F.B.I. agent. Wow, Im sure he has lost all his fears about being typecast now.

Okay, its true that he did portray an F.B.I. agent who was a former seminary student, and he is currently investigating a series of murders that seem to be related to some sort of satanic rites. Apparently, a satanic group is trying to track down the embodiment of the second coming, who was born on December 16, six years prior to the outbreak of a series of child murders in New York City.

Allow me to backtrack for a moment. Kim Bassinger is the female lead in this film, portraying a psychiatric nurse who spends most of her time spewing incredibly lame dialog. Her crack whore sister, Jenna (Angela Bettis) shows up at her door one snowy December night, with a new baby in tow. Bassingers character, Maggie OConner pledges to get her sister back on the straight and narrow, and sends her off to relax and take a bath. Apparently the bath tub is in Tacoma, Washington, and Jenna decides to walk it, because in the next scene, she has disappeared from the movie and the baby girl (Holliston Coleman) is now three years old.

The little girl, Cody, is autistic, which is naturally a significant disruption in Maggies life. Once again, the scene changes, and another 3 years have passed. We see Maggie enjoying watching a movie with her date, while the now six year-old Cody is occupying herself by banging her head on the wall. This performance freaks out Maggies date sufficiently that not even the potential allure of a night of blissful sex with a woman that looks like Kim Bassinger is sufficient reward, so he politely cuts out. Yeah, that could happen in this universe.

Out of nowhere, Jenna returns, with a new husband, (Rufus Sewell). He is some sort of ex-child actor who is now the head of an organization that helps people overcome alcohol and drug addiction. In actuality, his group is the front for a satanic worship cult. That will bring us back up to date. Jenna and her husband plan to take Cody away from Maggie, because ever the villain Rufus has figured out that Cody is the second coming child he has been seeking. Naturally Maggie is concerned that the change will be devastating to Cody and she refuses to giver her up, but Rufus and Jenna kidnap Cody.

With the help of an escapee from Rufus cult, Maggie is able to locate Cody. The escapee in question must be the grownup Wednesday Addams (Christina Ricci) who must have tired of a life of bizarre behavior, and decided to go straight. I need to take off on a sidenote at this point. This movie was rated R but nobody got naked. That was kind of disappointing, because I think the vote of every, or almost every red blooded American male who endured this film would have gone to Ricci. I realize that the women and a few assorted males probably would have cast in for Smits, but Im guessing that if Ricci had gotten naked, this film might not have flopped quite so profoundly at the box office.

With the information she is given, Maggie is able to track Cody down in a building guarded by the flying monkeys from The Wizard Of Oz. You see, this is yet another one of those films where the main characters are basically incredible imbeciles. Maggie seems to be under the impression that she can simply waltz into the secret headquarters of a major, satanic cult, pick up Cody, maybe snag a quick bite to eat and walk back out without anyone stopping her. Instead, she wakes up from a drug induced stupor and finds herself driving against traffic on the Brooklyn bridge in a car with no brakes.

I should mention that this is one of those films where the bad guys are also incredible imbeciles. Instead of just quickly disposing of Maggie and sending her to sleep with the fishes in the East River, they had to devise a plan that actually provided her with an opportunity to make a harrowing escape. I guess if the bad guys in films like this didnt have a flair for the dramatic, it would have been a much shorter movie, probably entitled Satan Takes Over The World.

I dont think Id be giving away any important information about this movie by saying that all ends well, as good triumphs over evil, and the world continues to plow on, apparently with some hope of heavenly salvation. In essence, the prince of all evil in the world is so magnificently inept that he got his ass roundly kicked by Jimmy Smits, Kim Bassinger and a six year-old girl. It kind of makes you wonder why it took nearly 4 years and a huge military machine to dispose of a lesser level of evil in the person of Hitler.

The summary of this film on the back of the video box noted that it was in the tradition of The Sixth Sense and The Omen. I guess it is, in the fashion that all of those films are basically in the occult genre. However, the gall of Hollywood publicists is demonstrated in even mentioning this piece of trash in the same breath as those works, not that either were particularly good in their own right. The best that could be accomplished for quoting critical acclaim on the back of the box came from a reviewer for Dish Network. Im guessing he didnt actually see the film.